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Relocation, Relocation Trident


Relocation, Relocation Trident

Phil and Kirstie from Channel 4 have been brought in to solve the problem of where to put Britain’s nuclear weapons. Phil reports:

We’ve been helping hundred’s of couples to find their ideal home. This time we face a difficult challenge. Nick and Dave have very particular requirements. They want a swimming pool that can take three submarines and a basement where they can store 16 Trident missiles and 200 nuclear weapons.

Kirstie and I have been looking all around the world to find somewhere suitable. Kirstie has found what she thinks is the perfect spot, at Milford Haven in Wales. It has the biggest outdoor swimming pool you could ask for.  Dave is considering Devon, but Nick isn’t sure that they would get planning permission. I’ve come up with my own special suggestion – a tropical island in the India Ocean.  So which will they chose – Milford Haven, Devonport or Diego Garcia?


Kirstie thinks Milford Haven is in a quiet corner of Wales and that it will provide Dave and Nick with the rural peace and tranquility that they are looking for. But what’s that on the other side of the water – it’s an oil refinery. And look there’s another one, and another – there are five oil terminals here! Some rural idyll Kirstie! And that sign says “Danger explosive Liquid Natural Gas”. What happens if Nick has a bad night and crashes his submarine into that tanker – Goodbye Wales!

Dave wants to build an extension to an existing property in Plymouth, but he’ll need planning permission. I try to tell him, this isn’t like building a conservatory. His extension to Devonport will be 3,000 metres long and 2,000 metres wide.  If he drops one of his Trident missiles, then he won’t just upset the neighbours – he will turn the whole city into a radioactive desert.

Kirstie and I both think that Dave and Nick should be looking for a new property in the country. They should forget about trying to build their dream nuclear house in the city.

Now for my special choice – the tropical island of Diego Garcia. It has no civilian population. They were all thrown out 50 years ago. It’s hundreds of miles from anywhere, so Dave won’t have to worry about those pesky peace protestors. Think of all the days you can spend relaxing on the beach or going for a dip in the green waters of the tropical archipelago. What’s that Nick?  You’ve heard bad things about Diego Garcia, something about torture and rendition?  When you’re looking for a site for nuclear missiles, a little bit of torture shouldn’t really concern you.

Kirstie’s trying to pour cold water on my brilliant suggestion.  She says Nick and Dave sold this island years ago to their American cousins, in exchange for nuclear missiles. The same missiles they are trying to relocate. Their redneck relatives won’t be pleased when Dave asks for his island back. Even if the Americans agreed, could Nick and Dave really base their nuclear fleet in such a remote corner of the world? Everything would have to be brought half way around the globe by air or sea. What about Gibraltar she says.  Just don’t tell the Spanish.

We’re both beginning to think that Dave and Nick have set their sights too high. Perhaps they should give up their attachment to nuclear weapons and start to be more realistic.

Find out more: Trident: Nowhere to Go


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