SEND FOR HOMER SIMPSON

Rumours are circulating that Homer Simpson is coming to Scotland to become the new safety adviser at Dounreay He was recently interviewed by the press -

Hey, I gotta tell you, they say this stuff’s dangerous, but there’s nothing to it. I mean, what’s a little glow ? That’ll be OK in Scotland UK, in the winter. Hot spots ? Sure, I know about them. Marge leaves a hot spot when she gets up to make the breakfast. And I hear you got great seafood there. The lobsters, they come out ready boiled, don’t they? Can’t wait

Asked how he intends to clean up -

Easy, I get my pal Barney Gumble in and we’ll just pick the stuff up and shove it down a big hole in the ground. Or even put it in paint cans. They’re just about right.

- But isn’t that exactly what they have been doing -

Is it ? Well then ! Way to go ! Maybe you don’t need another safety officer around here if you got smart people here already, huh ?

Has he heard that the nuclear watchdogs have released a report that shows Dounreay was awash with waste ? -

Ha ! Watchdogs write a report ? That’s rich. No, seriously, if it’s awash with waste, then you flush it away, same as Marge does. And don’t leave the lid up. Listen, what do you guys expect ? Like it’s nobody else’s business, is it ? You gotta chill out. I mean, it’s only nuclear. It’s not like it’s poison or stuff.

Asked if Dounreay was dangerous -

Sure it’s dangerous. You could fall down that big hole over there. Or trip over those paint cans.

(Joe Donnelly, Homer the Brave, Scotsman 17 June 98)

Dounreay