"UNCLEAR DISPROLIFERATION"

A seminar conducted by Professor Albus Dumbledore, Head Teacher of Hogwarts School of Wizardry, on the occasion of a Recruitment Day at the Gates of Coulport Thursday August 10th 2000. The Professor was assisted by Deputy Head Professor Minerva McGonagall and current Head Girl Miss Morag Butterflower.

Greetings to all you Magic People, and a special welcome to any sympathetic Muggles among you. I am delighted to accept your invitation to be with you today and, perhaps, to assist in some small way in overcoming the latest manifestation of the DARK ARTS which we know lives and breeds behind these ugly fences.

My thanks must go not only to you for inviting me, but also to my good friend J.K. Rowling for offering, in her Harry Potter books, a new metaphor for a new generation deeply involved in the struggle to overcome the 'powers of darkness', the evil that threatens to destroy the world.

Now the subject of my short seminar today is UNCLEAR DISPROLIFERATION. Along with other renowned prophets like S.T. Paul and W. Wink, J.K. Rowling has given us a method of discerning the Cosmic Powers of Darkness - and defeating them. Call them demons, Moloch, Voldemort or TRIDENT, they all have to be named, faced and disarmed.

How is this to be done? By magic! What kind of magic? The special magic that comes from deeply shared commitment to life, to our beautiful endangered planet, special magic which comes from inner spiritual strength, from community, friendship, fun, from calling things by their proper names and so defusing fear and lies.

Just think how J.K Rowling draws our attention to the power created by the bonds of friendship - how far would Harry have got without his chums Hermione, Ron and Hagrid or the rest of Gryffindor House? Hogwartians, and you TEE-PEE TOOTHIANS, know all about loyalty, teamwork and learning to create your own special spells against the powers of darkness, and to strengthen each other.

But I know that each of you, like Joanne Rowling's Harry Potter carry your own scars: - scars from your encounters with fear, with blind beaurocrats, with those who mock and denigrate, with the forces of Voldermort, the Dementors and those willing to destroy civilisation to defend their own security.

But each of you, I know, is protected by a far more powerful sign or spell, just like Harry. Every one of you is LOVED! Let us hear how J.K. Rowling tells of its power. (At this point Professor McGonagall read from The Philosopher's Stone p.216 from the section on truth to the end of that page.)

Always remember, my friends, that THE POWER OF LOVE IS GREATER THAN THE LOVE OF POWER! I invite each and every one of you to tell someone that they are loved. (Since the two Professors became somewhat passionately involved with each other at this point, it is not clear just how demonstrative others attending the seminar were!)

Yes! Well! To continue! I am particularly impressed by J.K. R's metaphor for what has happened to the MOD Muggles who operate that omnicidal magic they call 'UNCLEAR WEAPONS'. Let us all be quite clear about this: - Those weapons are very UNCLEAR - they cannot distinguish between soldiers and civilians, between friends and foes, they cannot tell the difference between wizards and Muggles, between the forces of light and truth and the forces of darkness and lies, and they will poison generations yet unborn.

The MOD Muggles and Dark Wizards and Dementors who operate them are even less clear! They are 'unequivocally' UNCLEAR as to the meaning of UNEQUIVOCAL when it comes to getting rid of their UNCLEAR weapons. While saying that they will renounce the ultimate evil of UNCLEAR weapons they are spending billions of Pounds of Muggle money on developing new ones: their PROMISES and their ACTIONS contradict each other! My friends, you special Magic People, together we will make sure that they keep their promises.

You TEE-PEE TOOTHIANS are already producing that SPECIAL MAGIC which will break the cycle of death. You are restoring life and hope. By your comfustulating spells you will drive out the evils of Vengeance, Vanguard, Victorious and Vigilant. You have made good progress but we all still need more practice in making these evil things disapperate..

So let us practice the spell for the Disapperating of UNCLEAR WEAPONS! Have you all got your wands ready? Pull out your wand slowly, concentrate very hard on the place where the weapons are and then we use the same word some of you learned for treating Boggarts -'RIDDIKULUS'. (see: The Prisoner of Azkaban p.101-106). Now, watch closely first! (The professor's wand turned into a trident prong as he called "RIDDIKULUS" and a loud pop could be heard). Now watch Prof. McGonagall. (Same thing happened). Let's all have a go!

Prof. McGonagall helped students at this point and warned them that although they could not expect full results on day one, the magic would take effect. Prospective students and staff all practised diligently shouting "RIDDIKULUS" while pointing their wands at the Coulport Base. Some Muggle police persons were seen to be doubling up - it is possible another charm was inadvertently let loose on them during this phase of the seminar.)

Well Done! The Disapperating of UNCLEAR WEAPONS has begun.! Of course, it won't happen all at once, but it will happen. Now, remember, you all have the ability to confront and defeat Boggarts, Modplods, Fiskulls and their self-serving supporters. You all have enough magic to work your charms on fences and gates, submarines and floating laboratories. Our students have worked very hard already on the fences round here lately, and I hear that a couple of days ago one of the submarines actually vanished. But of course that may not be permanent! You will need to keep up the practising! (It should be noted that Hogwarts students and the two professors had been observed at Faslane North Gate as well as Coulport on the evening of Saturday 5th August, and others in Muggle disguise had managed some serious fence disproliferating throughout Wednesday 9 August.)

Best of all my friends, remember that you are very clear about what you all want - UNCLEAR DISPROLIFERATION, - and you have all the magic you need in the Magic of each other, the Magic of Truth, Goodness, Justice and Love. Against these charms all weapons that are UNCLEAR must dissapperate. It only remains for me to thank my impeccable deputy Professor McGonagall, for preparing my schedule, making notes for my speech, making my hot chocolate and helping with the formulation of my spells. So I have much pleasure in handing over to her and our head student, Miss Morag Butterflower who will lead you in further practical work.

(There followed intense tuition of weaving the 'dissproliferation 'spell on the fence. Loud pops could be heard and balloons appeared from somewhere. After some time in this activity, Professor McGonagall blew the whistle on the fence and invited students to get in some Quidditch practice. Serious flying was discouraged, but Quaffles were seen to make it through hoops considerately left on the fence by Modplod Muggles. Miss Butterflower showed her skills as a Seeker by catching the Snitch somewhere in the middle of the road and prospective Hogwarts tutor Mr Kreb Dragonrider almost certainly clinched a staff appointment by demonstrating his abilities by 'disproliferating' some sections of fence. Muggles removed these two from the scene along with another prospective student. The two Professors have notified the Ministry of Magic and it is hoped that Muggle memories will be modified in due course.)

Maire-Colette Wilkie.